Coming Out Of The Closet

Posted: Monday, October 15, 2007 at 12:00 am
By: Doug Lund
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There’s something about three days of cold rainy weather that can really put you in a bad mood. So bad that even a surprise victory by the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday can’t shake it entirely.
Linda got up this morning..took one look out the window..muttered something about building a big boat and then decided to tear into her closets for the bi-annual winter/summer clothing shuffle.
I should have gotten the heck out of the house because I know how ticked-off  she gets doing this and I will likely suffer collateral damage when she erupts.
.
Not only does she put summer clothes away and bring out the sweaters..but everything has to be sorted by what still fits..what might fit..and what will never fit again.
It’s that last one that sets her off.
“That’s it,” I can hear her say as she yanks all of her size 6 pants from the hangers and angrily throws them into the Goodwill box.
“I’m never eating again. How the hell did I ever let myself go this far?”
“You’re next,” she hollers in my direction.
“What, you’re giving me to Goodwill too?”
“This isn’t funny, Doug. You have clothes in both closets that you haven’t worn since 1991. Either you go through them or I will. We need the room!”
She’s absolutely right, of course.
It’s just that I have a hard time accepting reality when it comes to how my body has changed for the larger over the years.
I prefer instead to believe that all those nice shirts, pants and jackets that I once wore on the news, somehow shrunk behind closed closet doors and had nothing to do with me.
 
“We’ve got to talk,” she’ll say.
Now, I’ve heard that from wives a couple times before and it meant that I was about to clean out my closet PERMANENTLY.
Thankfully, though, when Linda says it she doesn’t mean I have to leave..but that we both have to lose..as in lose weight."I’m sick and tired of our both being upset and irritated everytime we look at our wardrobe and not finding anything to wear" she says.
Linda certainly doesn’t look fat and can easily conceal any midriff paunch with a jacket or sweatshirt. But she hates that and  really wants to take off 25-30 pounds.
There is nothing I can wear anymore to conceal my girth and need to see her 25 and raise that 75 pounds more.
The trouble is I just can’t ever muster up the will-power to do it.
 
(Here’s how the “let’s talk” conversation usually goes)
 
LINDA:“Here’s the plan. No more second helpings..no more ice cream and no more eating late at night..okay? And we’re going to start walking again..alright?”
 
DOUG:  “Fine..I’ll try. But do we have to give up wine too? I mean the kids spent a lot of money at Christmas for our membership in the California wine of the month club.”
“Oh and what about that freezer full of meat that we just bought from your brother-in-law?”
LINDA: “Well, I suppose some wine is okay but we don’t have to drink both bottles. And, we could ease up on eating red meat.”
 
DOUG:“And what about the walking. Shall we go now?
LINDA: “Well, we can’t go now..it’s still raining and blowing outside.”
 
DOUG: “When the weather gets nicer then, okay?”
LINDA: “Fine.”
DOUG:  “Fine.”
Sorry Goodwill..maybe next spring.

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